Divorce is one of the most stressful events of one’s life. Parting ways from someone whom you have loved and wanted a lifelong companionship is among the toughest things ever. But here are 9 tips on finding love again after a divorce. No matter, if you are divorced recently or dealing with it for years, a second marriage can be more complicated than the first.
So, it should be given more time, more thought, more understanding before finally taking the plunge with someone. Contrary to what your family and relatives say, never rush into a second marriage. Never. Dr. Terri Orbuch, divorce expert says, “Studies show that there is no predetermined period of time after a divorce or breakup before you are ready to start dating again.”
However, people are left with zero confidence after a marriage falls apart. With careers, troubled relationships, and in cases of having kids, usually self-doubt and anxiety plague the older singles. But your right to happiness remains constant. Be it with someone new. In fact, as per relationship experts, your future relationships have better quality if you restart in your 40s and 50s.
Also, when divorced singles want to know about how to find true love in life; time commitments, attachments to their exes or not knowing where to look increase their difficulty of finding a new partner. Along with it, dealing with past mistakes, co-parenting stress, and having the courage to start again in love are other challenges that they face.
Are you feeling heartbroken after divorce? That’s natural. But you can play second innings at love and marriage successfully with these tips to find love again.
9 Tips on Finding Love Again After Divorce
Marriage is expensive and so is divorce. A relationship or marriage not working out isn’t in your hands. In the same way, falling in love is natural. But after a divorce, the feeling scares you. It is understandable that keeping your heart open is not easy. And refilling your empty heart and soul with love doesn’t necessarily mean to result in marriage immediately.
The good thing is that this time, you are not starting from scratch, but from experience. You can look into what went wrong in your previous marriage and can use your experience before getting married again. And when you have this mindset, these 9 tips on finding love again after divorce would surely work for you.
Take Time to Heal
Don’t make haste to jump into a new relationship right after your marriage has ended. Nikki Martinez, Psy.D., a licensed professional counselor says, “You have to take the time to heal, let go of resentments, and come to a healthy emotional place before you can be open to a new relationship.”
Be patient with yourself and take the time you need. Make sure you are over your ex and ready to date. Accept your singlehood and pamper yourself. Understand yourself better as an individual. Recognize if you have insecurities, if you feel like being unlovable, how to overcome heartbreak and such feelings, and boost your confidence. Get rid of your emotional baggage.
These factors enhance not only the chances of meeting someone after divorce but also blossoming it into a fruitful relationship.
Don’t let trust issues pop up. It is natural to keep your guards up after a painful end of a past relationship so that you won’t be hurt again. However, you have to let go of your fears. Don’t let your insecurities, fear of rejection, and others’ opinion affect you. Rejection is part of the process. If it happens, move ahead.
Also, honestly let the other person know where you are in the process of overcoming your ex. This doesn’t happen overnight. The other person might be going through the same emotional turmoil. Shun the hesitation and open about it to each other. Don’t wait for the right time. Make the present, the right time. It will make things easy even if you are finding love after divorce at 40.
Invest yourself in creating new memories rather than living in the past. And don’t doubt online dating. It doesn’t matter how you meet, what matters is how happy you are together. Keep things simple and genuine when you meet a potential partner. Share your interests. You never know, both of you have the same music or movie interests. Just be yourself, your best possible self.
Listen to Your Heart
No matter, how clichéd it sounds, listening to your heart is almost always the correct decision (but keep your eyes open). People around you will tell you about your biological clock ticking or “to adjust and compromise”. But it is you who have been through the situation – the hurt, the damage, the trauma; not them. And rushing or being with someone when you are not convinced will result in worse situations.
When you are left out of a relationship, the fear of being alone scares you. It puts so much pressure on you that you want to start meeting new people and step into a relationship at the earliest. But the painful experiences keep haunting you. One of the 9 tips on finding love again after a divorce is to stay open and take time. You might not understand the other person in initial meetings. Never rush in making judgments and reaching conclusions.
Before you start dating, ask yourself, “Am I ready to welcome someone in my life for a fulfilling relationship or it’s just that I don’t want to be alone?” You must have recovered from the past pain and any emotional baggage before putting your best foot forward confidently. Be patient. Give it a chance to develop and see where it leads you to.
Trust Your Timeline
Watching people enjoying a blessed married life and having babies around you might make you decide to rush. But people have different timelines. They graduate, get married, have babies, own a house, take retirement, etc. at different times that are meant for them. The same goes for you. Especially when you have been through a rocky relationship, steer clear of comparison with others’ lives. This sets you on the correct path of how to love again after a divorce.
Timing is everything, according to Davis. Everyone’s timeline is different. Gallego says, “We’re creatures who desire human connection, so we naturally begin to feel lonely after the loss of a relationship. That loneliness and desire for connection are often the signals that we’re ready to date again,” she says. Let go of the grief, seek therapy (if required), take baby steps towards your goal, and do what is right for you when the time is right.
If you want to start dating after divorce, chalk out a plan and list your ideas on how you will be getting there. It is overwhelming if you think about it in totality, but break it down into little steps for convenience. You can then go after it in a better way and ultimately get where you want.
Learn From Previous Relationships
The root mantra of how to find true love in life lies in learning from past relationships. When a relationship ends, its story has two sides. Since we are not perfect, we shouldn’t expect the other person to be perfect as well. So, accept that there might be some mistake at your end as well.
So, take time and figure out what did you find strong and weak in your past relationship. And how can you incorporate the same strengths into your new relationship and how to work upon the weaknesses. Ponder upon what worked and what didn’t in your previous relationship.
This will help you gain insight into what attracts or repels you in a partner when you begin dating again. Once you start meeting people, clearly specify what you are looking forward to in a relationship. Remember, there is no scope for playing games in dating.
Know What You are Looking For
First of all, resist being overtly fast to fill the relationship void. This is among the top 9 tips for divorcees to find love again. The temptation is real and big. But go slow. It protects you from getting hurt. Don’t plunge immediately into anything that appears good and because you don’t want to be single. It will make you look desperate.
Rather decide what you want in a relationship. Which qualities do you want in your partner? Grab a pen and paper, and jot down your requisites. Identify the characteristics you would like in a partner. At the same time, list things that are intolerable for you in a relationship and which drawbacks you can get along with.
In the first place, look for friendship. Keep things light-hearted and don’t think the other person to be your significant other just when you began. And do watch out for red flags. These are real and never negotiate with these. Keeping in mind the 9 tips on finding love again after divorce, remember what you have mentioned in your list. And if you find yourself in a relationship that doesn’t meet your requirement, don’t delay in stepping out.
Get Out There
Without getting out, you won’t come across new people. By sticking to your old routine and old surroundings, you are killing your chances of meeting someone who can join you for lifelong companionship. You have to step out and try new things and new places. And you never know, you might meet someone new at any of these places or do new things.
‘There’ mentioned above refers to such new things and places, any activity, a hobby, a skill, or an online dating platform. Among the 9 tips on finding love again after divorce, you must take yourself out. When you enroll yourself at a new gym, a new club, or go for a solo trip; you might meet people having similar interests. Do tell your friends that you are single again and want to connect with people.
There are many who have found their significant other this way. Until and unless you try new things and step up, how could you find someone and have a fulfilling relationship for life? Expand your social network, polish your talent, develop a new skill, or gain knowledge. Interesting people make great dates. If you are among those who keep telling themselves, “I want true love in my life”, become what you are seeking.
Learn the Current Dating Rules
Online dating is one of the most famous ways to find love again after a divorce. Orbuch says, “This opens your pool of eligible people. Also, if you are busy, shy, introverted, or haven’t dated in quite some time, it’s a good way to get your feet wet.” And the advantage is that even if you have a busy schedule, you can browse profiles anytime, at your convenience.
Take yourself out of the thought that relationships are worth it the second time around. This is one of the reasons why a majority of divorced people can’t invest time for dating in their routine. They tend to get into the mode of never dating again after a divorce. But you should remember that everyone deserves to be happy. For some, it just might take longer.
Communication has become easy today, thanks to various social networking sites. Before exchanging your numbers right away, test the waters by chatting or calling each other on those platforms. Seek the advice of your friends. Stay informed. Also, consider these points that you shouldn’t do in a dating scenario. So, don’t:
- Jump in before you are ready
- Be desperate but communicate in a balanced way
- Play games
- Stay in a relationship you know is unhealthy
- Expect/try to fix or change anyone
Watch Out the Words of the New Person
Another one among the 9 tips on finding love again after a divorce is to look for what the new person has to say about their ex. If they badmouth their ex-partner, carefully listen and try to understand what it means. It will show their mindset about their potential partner. A few things to be watchful of are –
1) It was always their fault: This person doesn’t take responsibility.
2) They “can’t trust again”: They will find a way out when things get serious.
3) They always make bad choices: When it comes to choosing you, they will decide that you are a bad choice.
4) Relationships always hurt: They are negative.
5) They regret being with their exes: Such a person is emotionally immature. Everyone had exes. We can’t wish them away. At some point, our exes were whom we wanted.
You have already been through so much and the next chance might be the last. So, take as much time as you want to. And this time, don’t marry someone without whom you can’t live, but someone with whom you can live happily and vice-versa. Only love is never enough. Vibes, intuition, understanding, trust, and respect are equally important. This is an underlying point that should be taken note of with 9 tips on finding love again after a divorce.
It’s the two of you who have to be convinced to stay together for life. After all, only you will be living a relationship, no one else. So, don’t go for “everything will be fine later”. Proceed only if things are fine right now. Also, the future isn’t guaranteed. Don’t worry about it. At least, restart happily, without any ifs and buts. Live in the moment. Just make sure not to repeat any mistake from your past and take the necessary steps for the happiness of both of you involved in this new relationship.
Remember that this time, you can meet someone just as you have wanted to be with. There is someone who is good for your heart, emotions, happiness, and life. Thus, step ahead with a strong belief in your heart and don’t be afraid to find love again. This manifolds your chances of finding love after divorce.